“For God did not give us a spirit of timidity, but a spirit of power, of love and of self-discipline.”  II Timothy 1:7
I don’t know if it is the mom in me or that fact that every time I turn around lately it seems something horrible has happened but recently I have been plagued with a lot of fearful thinking.  Although I have always been good at playing out the worst case scenario in my head and was born an anxious person, God has freed me immensely from gravitating to fear.  I believe fear will probably always be my default but God has put fear in its proper place in my life.  I don’t generally hang out in fear too long and I have come to believe and live out by God’s grace, Philippians 4:6-8.
But when I am in a season of fear or doubt or chaos and I have to keep repeating the same verse over and over and over again I admit, I wonder.   I wonder if God is just taking care of things in His timing (we all know I have issues with that), if I am convincing myself of His truths or if I truly believe them and of course I wonder why I can’t conquer maybe one or two overriding thematic troubles in my life never to be bothered with them again.  In my quest for efficiency and “success” I really wish I could ask God, since I have worked so hard with Him in the areas say of fear and anger for example, if we could just get me beyond those emotions so I could just focus on the 298 other areas of my humanness that plague my existence.  My pastor once said that not being liberated totally from our hardships, struggles and thorns allow us to always be dependent on God and His grace in our lives.  I’m pretty sure I have enough other areas to still feel dependent on Him if he took a few challenges away but it is a good point that I really need to remember and thank God for.  “Lord, thank you that you do not give up on me.  Thank you that you have helped me be less consumed with fear, anger and all the other areas I have and will probably always struggle with.  Thank you that you know my propensity to stray from an intentional and transformational relationship with you.  Thank you that despite and because of that you allow me to be aware of my need for you daily in everything in my life.  Help me be less fear filled despite illness, death and troubles that are hitting close to my life right now and thank you for the faith to really know and believe despite all that that you are in control, loving and caring and large and in charge.  Amen.”