I have not blogged consistently in the past week however for those of you legalists keeping track, I have not failed my Lenten assignment J.  My call leading up to Easter was to journal; to trust God with my time and keep my mind fixed on Him by writing every day.  Although I haven’t posted a blog every day, I have been journaling extensively daily because of this crazy faith trial I have been in.  It is a faith trial I must not only write about in order to stay sane, but it is a faith trial I never want to forget or worse yet allow to be wasted.  I want to remember all God is teaching me, how He is working and I want to look back and be able to remember how God turned something difficult into something wonderful and beautiful (at least that is what I am trying to believe will be the outcome). 

I have found during this trial  that I think about the trial a lot.  I  constantly find my mind gravitating back to this thing I believe God is calling me to.  I play out certain scenarios in my mind and worry about all the what-ifs.  I think of new what-ifs every day and sometimes every five minutes.  I wonder about the timing.  I wonder about the individuals involved.  Then I worry about each of them. My hamster wheel is working overtime and in over drive and it is exhausting.  So I decided yesterday to quit.  I decided to quit thinking about this situation. I decided to quit worrying about it.  I decided to quit journaling about it because I realized that if I would spend even half as much time PRAYING about this situation as I have writing, thinking and worrying, I’m quite certain I may have sprouted some wings and a halo by now.

We all do a crazy amount of thinking, worrying and lamenting over things rather than just praying.  Rather than sitting down with the God of the universe, the God who created the heavens and the earth (if I really believed that, how would it impact my prayers in my situation?) and asking Him for direction.  I spend time writing logical reasons why I cannot do what I think He is calling to me to instead of praying, “God, your will, not mine.”  I have spent an exorbitant amount of thinking about what I should do instead of asking God to orient my heart and mind to Him and His plan.  I have spent a ton of time, the most time of all, worrying instead of presenting my requests to the Lord (Phil. 4:6-7).  I have pondered repeatedly what His will and plan are instead of asking Him to help me desire what He desires.  When I worry, think and lament over things instead of praying about them I am ultimately trying to have control.  I am trusting myself more than I am choosing to trust God and I don’t want to do that anymore.

“God, thank you for calling me not to write about this trial I am in right now.  Thank you instead for calling me to write everything in my personal journal in the form of a prayer. Thank you for the reminder recently that prayer is more about changing me than it is about changing You.  Thank you also for forcing me to question once again what I really believe about you, about the power of prayer and if whether or not faith does in fact change anything.  Thank you for taking me deeper and bringing me out stronger when I face any kind of trial.  Help bring me to the place where I am thankful that your time frame is never mine and help me trust in that timing so that I do not get ahead of you and your plan.   In Your Name, Amen.”