This afternoon I am heading to up north where blogging, posting and accessing Facebook is limited to the direction and speed of the wind at any given moment and how many trees and hills are blocking the magical signals that sends technology where it needs to go.  And since Sunday is Easter, this will be my final Lenten post (though I will be journaling all weekend). 

Forty days ago I felt the whisper of God encouraging me to let go of one of my most coveted possessions, time.  Instead of forgoing M & M’s, my extra hot dirty chai or my Chobani yogurt I was being called to trust God with my time and to journal daily over Lent.  Little did I know that when I decided to do that I would enter into this crazy faith rollercoaster ride that began almost now four weeks ago. (For those of you who have asked, I am not getting a divorce or leaving the church or quitting my job.  Out of respect for my family I am not able to share what this faith crisis has been about but hopefully I will be able to soon). But as God often does when He calls us to trust Him, journaling for 40 days was not a chore or a sacrifice or even very hard most days.  In fact journaling for the past month in particular has been what has kept me sane (and has kept my family from selling me). 

I blog because God teaches me things every day and don’t want to forget those lessons. I blog because I pray that someone reading my post will be reminded that God loves them.  I blog because I hope that someone will be encouraged, challenged or assured in their faith when reading about my struggles and victories.  I blog because I hope that God will use what He is teaching me to remind someone else that which they already know, but needed to read and be reminded of right in that moment.  This past month I thought I was supposed to blog out of obedience and trust. I thought God’s assignment was one thing when in fact it ended up being something altogether different. And in the end, God’s assignment was not an assignment at all.  It was His gift of mercy and love to me.

“Dear God, thank you for Lent.  Thank you for allowing me the privilege to write every day all that you were teaching me and all that I was struggling with whether I was mad at or madly in love with You at any given time.  Most of all, thank you for allowing me once again to question whether or not I really believe Your Word.  Thank you during this crisis of faith for allowing me to have to try and walk the walk. Do I believe you work all things out for the good of those who love you?  Do I really believe that your plans prevail despite my many ideas and hopes?  If I can’t believe any of those things when life gets hard, do I even believe that you died for my sins and were raised again?  Thank you for showing me that my faith has to be strictly, always and wholly about You.  Thank you for gently reminding me in each step of my faith challenge that your journey was no picnic.  Thank you for reminding me in love that my journey looks like a trip to Disneyland compared to your journey.  Thank you for giving me perspective this Lenten season.  And despite how hard the last month has been and for how many landfills I probably filled with all the Kleenex’s I needed, I am so grateful for the journey, Jesus. But mostly I am just so grateful for You.   In Your Name, Amen.