Before I head out on vacation I thought I’d give a “pupdate” (pit update). Here is what I have learned from my view from the hole of doubt and disappointment with God the past few days.
When I am in the pit…
· I am not as nice
· I think much more about me than I do those around me
· There is not much hope if you don’t have prayer
· Christian music is very annoying
· I am thankful for Sirius Radio (80’s station is a good alternative when in the pit)
· I still want to pray for other people
· I still ask for protection over my family
· It feels like being a fight with my husband; I want it to be over and for everything to be back to normal because I love him and miss things as they were
· I don’t know what to do when my kids are being disobedient, are hurt, etc. when I can’t pray
· I think a lot (in lieu of praying, I guess)
· It is very hard to pray out loud with the kids. I’m not a go through the motions kind of person
· I scrutinize over and over everything I read in the Bible (when I do read it – it is hard to read the Bible when you’re in the pit)
· I have learned I am good company (many people don’t understand God and how prayer works and their faith has left them confused, mad and doubting too)
· My mornings are less stressful when I don’t feel the need/pressure to get up and pray and read my Bible (I know, I know…the lightening. I am watching out for the lightening).
“Dear God, this is what I know. Although I have been in the pit this week, I have also been very busy in my day to day life. It really hasn’t been as hard this time around visiting the pit if I am honest, but it is still not where I want to be. I feel like a defiant teenager who is doing my own thing knowing that I am probably wrong and knowing that this only feels good because it is the way I want to do it and what I think is right in the moment. Like a defiant teenager and I feel confused, have unrest in my soul and part of me wants to return to the safety of my home. I believe you will welcome me when that happens God though I won’t deserve it. Thank you that even in the pit there are things about you that I do believe at the core of who I am. I think that’s called “faith” but as you know, I’m still trying to figure that out too. In Your Name, Amen.”