Before I head out on vacation I thought I’d give a “pupdate” (pit update).  Here is what I have learned from my view from the hole of doubt and disappointment with God the past few days. 

 When I am in the pit…
·         I am not as nice
·         I think much more about me than I do those around me
·         There is not much hope if you don’t have prayer
·         Christian music is very annoying
·         I am thankful for Sirius Radio (80’s station is a good alternative when in the pit)
·         I still want to pray for other people
·         I still ask for protection over my family
·         It feels like being a fight with my husband; I want it to be over and for everything to be back to normal because I love him and miss things as they were
·         I don’t know what to do when my kids are being disobedient, are hurt, etc. when I can’t pray
·         I think a lot (in lieu of praying, I guess)
·         It is very hard to pray out loud with the kids.  I’m not a go through the motions kind of person
·         I scrutinize over and over everything I read in the Bible (when I do read it – it is hard to read the Bible when you’re in the pit)
·         I have learned I am good company (many people don’t understand God and how prayer works and their faith has left them confused, mad and doubting too)
·         My mornings are less stressful when I don’t feel the need/pressure to get up and pray and read my Bible (I know, I know…the lightening.  I am watching out for the lightening).

“Dear God, this is what I know.  Although I have been in the pit this week, I have also been very busy in my day to day life.  It really hasn’t been as hard this time around visiting the pit if I am honest, but it is still not where I want to be.  I feel like a defiant teenager who is doing my own thing knowing that I am probably wrong and knowing that this only feels good because it is the way I want to do it and what I think is right in the moment.  Like a defiant teenager and I feel confused, have unrest in my soul and part of me wants to return to the safety of my home.  I believe you will welcome me when that happens God though I won’t deserve it.  Thank you that even in the pit there are things about you that I do believe at the core of who I am.  I think that’s called “faith” but as you know, I’m still trying to figure that out too.  In Your Name, Amen.”