“If only I could find a trace of evidence that it was really possible for a Ghost to stay – that the choice was not only a cruel comedy – I would not go back.”
In C.S. Lewis’ book, The Great Divorce, a man boards a bus from hell bound toward heaven. He and the other “ghosts” are transparent in nature, “smudgy and imperfectly opaque” compared to heaven where everything was “solid,” ageless,
and inexplicably desirable.
But in a horrifying moment, the man has an upending thought, “[What] if this whole trip were allowed the Ghosts merely to mock them?” What if he came to heaven not with the choice to stay, but to see what he could never have. What if what he’d been believing all along was only a terrible joke?
I’ve felt the ghost’s doubt and disillusionment. When relationships in life are painful, job offers never come, loved ones are suffering, and we’ve oriented our lives around the promise of something inexplicably desirable that never seems to materialize, it upends us. Our faith is challenged. God’s goodness is scrutinized. And the biggest question for me in a season lately that’s felt like a cruel comedy?
If my pain and struggles aren’t going to change, is God enough?
Is His presence, without His presents – all the things I ask Him to fix, protect, heal, and redeem, enough for me to live joyfully and contentedly? If hardship I ask Him to change don’t, but He’s by my side – do I want that life? Unfortunately, I don’t have a pithy answer. (Be wary of anyone who does. No book or advice can answer difficult questions easily or quickly.) But when I forced myself to read my Bible when I didn’t want to this week, one word stood out.
“Hope.”
As I eloquently put it with the women I was teaching last weekend, “Barf.” Trying to make sense of some things in my life right now and the irony of the word hope, makes me nauseous. But without hope, everything is a cruel comedy. Everything is upended. Although I’m not “feeling” hope now, I’m keeping it in my back pocket until I do. And until God’s presence alone becomes,
Inexplicably desirable, as well.